Green Tea Gummies

I've started an online program that helps me keep track of what I eat, how much water I drink, and my daily activity level. It even analyses the nutritional content of my food and grades me for the day.

It has some pretty strict standards. What I thought was a decent breakfast got a D rating. It wasn't even a Pop Tart...it was a granola bar. So basically, a computer program is guilting me into eating better food.

But I wanted some gummy bears today. I'd successfully made gummy candy before, so I thought I'd give sugar free candy a shot.

First, I mixed these two things together:

I let them mingle in a sauce pan for a few minutes; then I cooked them together on medium heat.

Then I poured the mixture into a container...

...and chilled in the fridge for half an hour. 

There's just one problem. They're gross! Next time, I will brew a fruity tea that I know I can drink without adding a sweetener and see if that works better.

Cheers!

Rabbit/Dog?

So this odd little thing is a dog. I made him in three hours today. But tomorrow I'm going to chop off his head and give him a new body.

Today, I did something silly.

Periodically, I get the impulse to get rid of things I've written or artwork I've made. Today, I tore through my sketchbook and got rid of anything that didn't please me. In the past, I've regrettably done the same with journals and stories I've written. 

It's something I've pretended not to understand when my friends do this. I do understand it, though. This impulse exists, for me, as a way of counteracting the notion I'm not good enough. But if I get rid of everything I'm not proud of, then it's hard to see the growth I've experienced as a writer, an artist, a person. No one was born gifted in writing fiction or painting; they simply had the desire and dedication to be great. 

I've hit a number of stumbling blocks lately. I'm finding it difficult to complete any of various projects including

- rereading The Catcher in the Rye

- practicing guitar for a minimum of 15 minutes daily

- exercising for an hour daily

- making stuffed animals based off my niece and nephew's drawings

- making stuffed animals of my own designs

- composing meaningful writing as a response to 642 Things to Write About

- practicing using my sewing machine

- keeping up with this blog

- starting a second blog

All of this is a lot to ask from someone who generally doesn't eat, sleep, or bathe in a predictable pattern, especially when I'm met by failure at every turn. I'm not giving up, though. I just need to figure out how to balance everything better than I have been.

Over the next few days, I'm going to take a break and get some much-needed socialization. Then next week, a trip. I'm not sure how much I'll be doing or blogging in the meantime, but I think I'll come back refreshed in the next week or two. 

Stuffed Animal Updates

It seems like forever since I decided to make stuffed animals using children's drawings. Forever, as in a few wees ago. 

Truth is, I'm stuck.

The two I tried to make didn't turn out right at all, and I have some ideas about how to make the stuffed animals better next time around. But I feel completely unmotivated. I get out my fabrics...and then I don't do anything. I feel so much pressure to get things done that I can't seem to finish anything I start.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm going to figure it out.

Father's Day TARDIS

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

The "I Haven't Slept Yet" Self-Portrait

I completed this cartoony drawing in about half an hour at 7AM today. I have no idea what's going on with the background.

I have no idea what's going on.

The Soundtrack to My Life

One of the assignments I have from my therapist is to create a list of songs that say something about me as a person. The other assignment is to reread The Catcher in the Rye. The point of each of these assignments is to work with something I enjoy as a way of rebuilding my self image. Reading and listening to music are two of the most enjoyable things for me, at least they were until my attention span was completely shot to hell. I'm going to blame student teaching kindergarten for that. I hear from veteran teachers that eventually your attention span matches that of the children you teach.

The difficulty of both of these tasks is that I can't focus on one thing. In the time I wrote the first paragraph, I paced around my room, checked my email, spun around in my desk chair, and scrolled through my Tumblr dashboard. It's a sad state of affairs.

The hard part about creating my the soundtrack of my life is that I'm not sure what to say about myself. When you spend most of your life outwardly playing at having no personality while inwardly fantasizing about being a dominatrix lesbian stripper, what do you have to say about yourself? The song that embodies that is probably Led Zeppelin's "Heartbreaker." What if you're sitting at a party, not saying anything to anybody, and fantasizing about whooping a bad guy's ass on the top of a burning building? Well then, it's "Tales of a Scorched Earth" by Smashing Pumpkins. Those are two songs I like, that I see myself as some sort of character doing something that interests me, but they don't really say anything about me. Just that I have an imagination, and it goes to some interesting places.

In the story of my life, there's no character development and the ships all sail, hit ice bergs, and sink. Thankfully not while Celine Dion plays in the background.

But after some stalling and thought, I think I've come up with a good start.

My emotional state(s):
"The Cosmic Game" by Thievery Corporation (generally peaceful)
"Bron-Yr-Aur" by Led Zeppelin (whimsical)
"Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes (sad/wistful/wishing good things didn't have to end)
"Climbing up the Walls" by Radiohead (restless and strange)
"Smashing" by Giant Drag (horribly depressed)
"A Warm Place" by Nine Inch Nails (sort of empty after crying)
"Sorrow" by the National (depressed again)
"Cross Bones Style" by Cat Power (helpless)
"Drown" by Smashing Pumpkins

How I relate to others:
"Talk Show Host" by Radiohead (self-perpetuated alienation)
"Better off Alone" by the Black Angels


How I feel about society:
"The Masses Are Asses" by L7
"Real Estate" by Flight (The song has "let's destroy the world" in the chorus, okay?)
"All of You" by Magdyn Osh (People are assholes, but it's still a miracle that they exist.)

How I deal in romantic relationships:
"Billie Holiday" by Warpaint (the idea that I'd do anything for this person...)
"Beekeeper's Blues" by Susanna Hoffs (...who sucks.)
"She's Gone" by the Brian Jonestown Massacre (But that's okay, because I'll wait around anyway.)
"When You're Old and Lonely" by the Magnetic Fields (Oh, you'll regret treating me like crap, sir.)
"Fuck This...I'm Leaving" by the American Analog Set (Later, bro!)

What I want from life:
"Someone Else's Life" by Joshua Radin
"A Place Called Home" by PJ Harvey
"Make Yourself" by Incubus
"For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her" by Simon & Garfunkel