Things Real Teachers Probably Don't Do

My initial teaching certificate arrived in the mail today. I had a momentary surge of pride. More than I felt at my college graduation, even. I'm officially qualified to be a teacher, but that leads me to question the people who decided to "qualify" me.

I am a good person, and I would probably make a good teacher someday when I can get my shit together. I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson planning and teaching aspects of my internship. I received positive feedback from all the people who saw me teach, including my former babies. 

But I'm terrible at interacting with adults, especially anyone I perceive as an authority figure. As in, I am paralyzed by fear. There are things in my life that make sense for me to be this way, but I don't currently possess all the coping mechanisms I need to be successful. I'm not ready to be seen as a real adult.

I liked interning because I could still claim the role of a college student. College students are allowed to fuck up. In fact, I encourage that they do. You learn more from failure than success. Being a college student meant that the one time I chose to get piss drunk and stumble my way around town while singing every song I knew looks more like a regular Saturday night than a moral failure. (In my defense, that's only happened once. My friend and I walked home, nothing sketchy happened, and I wasn't even hungover the next day.)

A great sadness touched my life once I realized what becoming a teacher meant for my life. It felt that after years of pretending to be something I wasn't (read normal, happy, religious), my life was going to be filled with more pretending. 

I felt, in some ways, very much like myself when I was teaching. But I also felt that I was suppressing large parts of myself as a person. It's not like I'd go teach kindergarten with purple hair and saying fuck every other word like I do at home. My future children are probably going to think a coffee table is called a shitfuck. But pulling 50 and 60 hour workweeks wouldn't leave much time to dedicate to other things that are very important to me, like music and art. Also eating, sleeping, and having a social life. 

The truth is, I'm just not a balanced enough person to make that kind of commitment right now. Even though it's hard to explain to my family members, I think it's better if I focus on being happy, healthy, and getting my life back. I won't be a good teacher until I can do that.