Brutally Honest Job Interview Responses

I hate job interviews because I suck at them, and no matter how much I practice, I end up forgetting all the great responses I thought of and just stringing together a bunch of phrases that are loosely related to the job. "DEVELOPMENTALLY UM APPROPRIATE POSITIVE RAPPORT UH WITH STUDENTS OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH FAMILIES BURRITO." I've concluded every job interview as a sweaty, tearful mess, knowing I didn't get whatever job I was interviewing for because I word-vomited all over the interviewer. 

I feel that asking me a series of loosely related questions in the most intimidating way possible is not the most accurate way to assess whether I know anything about children or if I am a good teacher. Not even my stupid magna cum laude can tell you that. A simulated workplace experience would be the most valid assessment of my abilities, but I digress. 

Instead, I will practice for future interviews...

Tell me about yourself. 

Well the story of my life is, the ships go nowhere and there's little to no character development.

Why do you want to work for us?

I don't. I don't want to work anywhere that can pay me, but I need money, and this is the only legal form of prostitution. 

Tell me about your strengths.

I'm the baddest ass motherfucker on the planet. I invent new combinations of swear words in traffic. I can make grown men cry with my words.

Tell me about your areas to improve in.

I killed a cactus. I am less nurturing than a desert. 

What is your ultimate career goal?

To be a chef/singer/artist/therapist. I really don't know. It changes every ten minutes. That was cute when I was eight. What? You expect me to have an answer?

P.S. this entry is super short because I spent today with an awesome friend who helped me gather materials for an upcoming project!